


i love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

by awesomeaislin



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Casual Relationship, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Obsession, Pining, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 14:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20508452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomeaislin/pseuds/awesomeaislin
Summary: Simon Snow is supposed to be the perfect hero with the perfect girlfriend. So why is he spending all of his time in dark corners with his enemy?“I hate you.”He says it every time they do this.Even as he presses Baz against the wall and kisses him so hard he’s worried they’ll both bruise and everyone will know.“Do you?” Baz asks against his lips, questioning, taunting. Simon can’t even tell if Baz is trying to draw him in or push him away anymore. He wonders if it matters.“Yes,” He hisses. He’s not sure why he’s doing this. He just knows he has to.





	i love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

**Author's Note:**

> So fun story, I definitely had to write this. Because I couldn't stop listening to it. And obsessing. And I just had too. Lmk what you think, but be relatively nice because it's my birthday. 
> 
> I'm @awesomeaislin on Tumblr

“I hate you.”

He says it every time they do this. 

Even as he presses Baz against the wall and kisses him so hard he’s worried they’ll both bruise and everyone will know. 

“Do you?” Baz asks against his lips, questioning, _ taunting. _Simon can’t even tell if Baz is trying to draw him in or push him away anymore. He wonders if it matters. 

“Yes,” He hisses. He’s not sure why he’s doing this. He just knows he has to. 

He’s not supposed to be doing this. He’s supposed to spend his summer at Watford researching. Baz is here to take an extra class. Penny’s here too, and he’s not sure why he can’t bring himself to spend more time with her. He knows exactly why he’s not spending more time with Agatha. But he’s not sure why he’s so pulled into Baz.

“Okay,” Baz says.

“Okay.”

* * *

He doesn’t tell Penny. And he definitely doesn’t tell Agatha. And he _ absolutely _ will not be telling the Mage. 

But he does say no when Agatha asks if he wants to get back together. He _ doesn’t. _He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t.

He knows now he doesn’t want her like that. He doesn’t feel that pull in his stomach. He doesn’t feel unable to look away from her. Doesn’t feel like if he’s not attached to her every second he’ll die. Not like with Baz. 

He knows there’s a price to doing this with Baz, knows Baz can cut him down without so much as a single thought, knows Baz could break him, knows this is unhealthy.

He knows what he’s doing to himself. He understands that he’s setting himself up for devastation. But this is just a summer fling. _ This is just a summer fling. _Maybe if he says it enough his stupid heart will get on board.

* * *

“You broke up with Wellbelove,” Baz notes blankly. 

He hates this about Baz, how hard it is to read him. He never knows what he’s thinking. Whereas he always seems to know exactly what’s going through Simon’s mind. It’s unfair.

“I don’t want a relationship,” He shrugs. 

“Whatever,” Baz chuckles.

“And I don’t want people to know,” He says. 

“Obviously.”

Simon looks over at Baz and he’s just reading a book as if nothing’s happening. Maybe he _ really _ doesn’t care at all. Maybe this is just another part of his plan. 

Then he looks up at Simon and raises his eyebrow, “What do you want then?” He’s gone right back to teasing. Right back to goading Simon. Right back to normal.

He doesn’t know what he wants though. He’s never really thought about it before. He’s never had to. The goal has always been to survive and have the princess, to defeat the humdrum and ride off into the sunset with Agatha. Or he’ll die and that would be fine too. If it’s what he’s meant to do he’ll do it. 

But does he want any of that? Does he want any of this?

* * *

The thing about Baz is that every road seems to lead to him. The obsession seems to be an inevitable side effect of being near him. His grey eyes, and long nose, and sharp cheekbones. Of course he’s pulled in. Why isn’t everyone else who meets him? How can anyone resist?

Everyone already knows they’re obsessed. 

They just don’t know the true nature of the obsession. 

They don’t know that when Simon looks across the dining hall at Baz he’s thinking about crossing the room and closing the space between them and just damning the consequences. _ Let them talk. _

He thinks about it but he won’t act on it. 

The consequences are too high and he has too much to lose. 

He imagines the Mage telling him to end it. To finish with Baz. And then to kill him. 

He wonders what would happen to him if he did. 

* * *

“You have shit taste in music,” Baz tells him honestly one night. “Like the shittest. There is no one on earth with as shitty a taste in music as you.”

Simon isn’t sure why, but that makes him smile. 

Something about Baz being an elitist, judgmental prat has become endearing to him. _ God, what has become of him? _

“If it makes me happy, why does it matter that it’s shit?” He asks. 

And he pulls Baz up to dance with him. He wraps his arms around Baz’s neck and sways. Even though this is an upbeat pop song. Who cares? It’s not like anyone is around to see them.

“You’re shit at dancing,” Baz says, and Simon buries another grin into his shoulder. 

* * *

The more time he spends with Baz the more he wonders how he has this dangerous image. It’s not like they spend all their time making out. It’s not a relationship. But it’s not just a hookup. It’s _ something. _Something dangerous and something real.

Baz reads to him at night and kisses him on the nose every time Simon stops paying attention. 

Baz buys him a box of pastries every time he goes into town. 

Baz mocks the way he ties his tie every morning, but still pulls him in by that same tie to kiss him before breakfast.

But it’s not a relationship. 

If it was a relationship, they’d screw it up. It would be dead before it hit the ground. It would be over before it really began. 

He’s the Mage’s Heir. And Baz is heir to the House of Pitch. 

This can’t be anything.

They’re only a few years away from the supposed final showdown that Simon isn’t confident either of them will make it out of that. 

These are trying times, and they aren’t trying.

* * *

Simon spends most of this time in the library at the minute. Which is okay if a little bit lonely. Most everyone is away for the summer. Only a couple of people are here taking classes. Just the overachievers. (*cough* Penny *cough* Baz *cough*)

He spends alot of time alone surrounded by books. It’s kind of relaxing. It’s not like the Mage ever checks his ‘research’. At the end of the summer, he’ll probably just tell the Mage the truth. Or part of the truth. That he’s no closer to figuring out how to defeat the humdrum. That he’s no closer to understanding how to control his magic. 

The downside of the quiet is that there’s too much time to think. 

Obsess more like. 

He shouldn’t be thinking about it like this. 

He shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. 

Maybe this is all a plot for Baz. Just a slow way of killing him.

Maybe he’ll break his heart and then while Simon’s distracted he’ll strike. 

Baz’s not even supposed to be able to break his heart. _ This isn’t a relationship. This isn’t serious. This isn’t a relationship. _

There are a few clinks against the window. And before he can stop himself, he pictures Baz below the window throwing rocks desperate for his attention. He pictures laughing at him and rolling his eyes at this big risk. Such a big show of affection. 

But it’s just Penny back from class. 

It just makes him want Baz more. 

* * *

This should be boring to Simon already. They’ve done this _ so _many times in the past two weeks. He should be over it. 

Pushing Baz onto his bed shouldn’t be so exciting. He shouldn’t get so overwhelmed by the feeling of his hands in Baz’s hair. He shouldn’t be so delirious at the way Baz kisses his down his neck. 

But he is. He’s _ so _ excited, _ so _ overwhelmed, and _ so _delirious. 

So much so that he almost starts to wonder if he might be ill. 

Maybe it’s a virus? A magickal virus? A Potion?

Baz Pitch’s affection is not something to turn your nose up at, and Simon wonders how he’s been so fortunate to experience it. 

He’s both lucky for this experience, and desperately unlucky at what will be their end. 

They’ve pushed the beds together and every night he falls asleep with Baz tucked against him. He has the luxury of wrapping his arms around Baz’s waist. He has the unique pleasure of waking up with a bit of Baz’s hair in his mouth. 

He’ll splutter and complain in the morning, but really he doesn’t mind. A part of him thinks he might just take all of Baz’s hair as something to remember this by. 

He doesn’t need anything to remember this by. 

He’ll remember.

* * *

“I don’t want a relationship,” He’d said at the beginning. 

He wonders if it’s still true. 

His relationship with Agatha was meant to be perfect. They were meant to be. Written in the stars. Prophesized or whatever. He didn’t want that again.

But Baz is nothing like Agatha. 

Being with Baz is never anything like being with Agatha.

He’s always filled with the particular misery of knowing deep down that he wants more, needs more even, but that the moment he gives into that he loses everything else.

Baz doesn’t want a relationship anyway.

“What do you want?” Baz had asked. 

He still doesn’t know.

* * *

He didn’t know it was possible to be so miserable and so happy at the same time. 

He expresses this to Penelope over dinner one night. 

(He still hasn’t told her about Baz. He doesn’t know how to tell her about Baz.)

“It’s just this feeling I have all the time recently,” He admits quietly. “It’s the actual feeling of blue. Like being calm and at peace, but in the quiet moments you’re sad, and lost, and kind of guilty.”

“What do you have to be guilty for?” She asks. 

_ That I keep pushing you aside in favor of seeing Baz. That I’m lying to you. That I’m lying to everyone. That I might even be lying to me. _

He just shrugs. 

Keeping this a secret from her is killing him. They have a no secrets pact, but everytime he opens his mouth to say it his throat dries and no words come out. If she’s noticed all the times he’s taken a deep breath and opened his mouth just to close it again, she hasn’t mentioned it. 

What would she even say?

‘Simon, you’re not gay, and he’s evil, and he’s your enemy, and he’s trying to destroy you.’

_ Then why does the sight of him fill me with warmth? Why can I never seem to breathe right when he’s not around? Why can’t I sleep without him next to me? How come the thought of him leaving is borderline scarier than the humdrum? _

“Maybe you’re just lonely because there are less people here, and I’ve been so focused on my class,” Penny tries. 

“I’m not lonely,” He says without thinking. “I mean I don’t think I’m lonely.”

_ How can I be lonely if I spend every spare minute wrapped around another person? _

“You could be. It’s not like you’ve been spending time with anyone.”

He shrugs again. 

The blue feeling doesn’t go away.

But neither does Baz.

* * *

“I really don’t want a relationship,” He repeats again one night into the darkness. 

Baz sighs, “I heard you the first time, Chosen One.”

“I just mean I was a shit boyfriend,” He tries again. He doesn’t even know what point he’s trying to make. “To Agatha I mean. I was always trying so hard, but I never really knew what she wanted, and every time I guessed I was wrong. I don’t think you’d want that.” 

And Baz wouldn’t want that. At least, Simon is pretty sure he wouldn’t. Hell, he’s more well-bred than Agatha. He was born to rule. He was created to draw everyone in and keep them there. He couldn’t deal with Simon’s incompetence. Couldn’t deal with the mess. Wouldn’t tolerate it. 

And he wouldn’t be able to fix it. The cardinal rule of Simon and Baz is that when Baz pushes, Simon pushes right back. It would be a stalemate. A constant annoyance.

And, yet, they’ve spent every spare moment this summer together. They’ve explored every part of each other. They’ve talked. They’ve danced in the starlight through the window. They’ve fed each other snacks stolen from the kitchen. 

And Baz never complained about the crumbs. 

“I want you,” is what he says. It’s the closest either of them have come to an admission. And Simon still can’t figure out what it really means.

* * *

He sees Baz in the chapel one night. He knew Baz would be there. He knows _ why _Baz is there, and he can’t bring himself to care. 

The candles in the chapel are still lit. 

He stays standing in the aisle. Unable to move his feet. Wondering what he would do if he could just bring himself to approach. 

But even this is too public, all the candles are lit. The portraits can see them. They _ know. _

“Kill the lights,” Simon demands. 

The flames rise higher. 

It’s a test. 

Baz is testing him. 

Baz is _ always _ testing him. 

And Simon’s always just waiting for the time he fails. He knows it will happen. He fails all the time. At some point Baz is going to decide he’s not good enough, and it will stab Simon so hard he’s not sure he’ll make it. 

It will rip his guts out inch by inch. 

It will pull out his heart and cement it onto a plinth in Baz’s home next to all of the other hearts he’s ripped out. 

And if it does, he’ll hide it. 

Baz will never get the satisfaction of knowing how much he meant to Simon. Of knowing what he could do to him. Of knowing how much this cruel summer has ruined him. 

But he won’t fail this time. 

He steps forward. Once, twice, three times, and, when he’s finally close enough, he pulls Baz forward until there’s no space between them anymore. 

_ Damn the portraits. Damn the candles._

* * *

Penny, as it turns out, finds out all on her own. 

She walks in one day unannounced. He’s told her not to come into their room because of Baz. But that was mostly because he’d turn her in. 

Now...well...now she’s walked in on them snogging. He didn’t hear her knock on the door because he’d been too entranced in Baz’s lips, and too distracted by the hand under his shirt. Maybe she didn’t knock at all, she rarely does.

_ At least this is relatively tame for us _, he thinks. 

“Crowely!” She yelps. 

He dives away from Baz as quickly as he can, but there’s no hiding the evidence. HIs hair is rumped. His lips are swollen. There’s a trail of bright red marks down his neck. And even his bed is pressed tightly to Baz’s.

“What the fuck?” She asks as he tugs her out of his room and into the hallway. 

“I’ve told you not to just come into my room!” He reminds her. 

“Yeah because you thought Baz would turn me in. Not because you’re _ sleeping with him, _” She hisses at him. “You’re dating Baz? Do you have any idea how insane that is?”

“We’re not dating,” He hisses right back. “And yes.”

Penelope makes a face like she pities him. 

“What about Agatha?” She asks. “Isn’t it a bit soon?”  
“We’re broken up,” He says as if she doesn’t already know that. 

“So what is this?” She asks. “Some meaningless summer fling?”  
“It’s not meaningless!” He insists. And then he changes his mind. “I mean it is, but I don’t know...It can only end badly Penny.”

And then he crumples completely. He buries his head into her neck. And it’s a true testament to what a good friend she is that she doesn’t say anything. 

She doesn’t say anything about how destructive he’s being. About how volatile this is. About how truly awful it is he’s developed these feelings for his enemy.

* * *

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Baz asks at 4 am when he knows no one else will be awake to see them. He thought Baz was sleeping. Simon himself has been unable to sleep for nights knowing that the summer ends in a week. That in a week and a half, they’ll come back from break and everything will go back to the way it was before. 

That Baz will leave and when he comes back it won’t be the same. 

He kisses Baz on the cheek, and Baz leads him to a hidden lake in the woods. Simon thought he’d seen every inch of these woods. How did he miss an entire lake?

“It only appears if you need a place to be alone,” Baz supplies. 

“But we’re together,” Simon argues. 

“Alone together.”

Simon squeezes his hand just a little bit tighter. And when Baz pulls out a flask, he partakes just a little bit too readily. 

He’s drunk by the time the sun starts to come up low in the sky. 

He finally admits something he’s been holding in a while. “I don’t want to lose you. But this is...I don’t know.” 

Baz kisses his shoulder, but doesn’t say anything. And that’s good because Simon has more to say. He always seems to have more to say to Baz. 

“I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you.”

Simon isn’t looking but he feels something wet run down Baz's cheek. 

* * *

Penny breaks her silence on the matter abruptly over breakfast. 

“Is it good?” She asks. 

At first he doesn’t get it, he looks down at his sour cherry scone. They’re always good. What is she going on about? Is there something wrong with them today. Did Baz poison them?

“You and Baz,” She clarifies quietly. “Is it good?”

He wonders if the definition of good matters. Should he account for how empty he feels without Baz since they started this? Should he think about how day and night the guilt of what they’re doing keeps him trapped? 

He decides it doesn’t matter.

“Yes,” He admits. 

He wonders if it counts as an admission if you’re leaving out how good it is. How sometimes you feel it outweighs what the word good even means. If you think every other person will be ruined for you, just by not being Baz. 

“Okay,” Penny says and goes back to her book. 

“Aren’t you going to lecture me?” He asks. 

Shouldn’t she? He’s making a mistake. Isn’t she always there to correct his mistakes?

“Why would I lecture you?”

“Because it’s Baz?” He hisses. “Because I’m fraternizing with the enemy? Or because of Agatha?”

Penny frowns at him. “Why should it matter?”

“I don’t know,” Simon shrugs. He stares down at his sour cherry scone. He wishes Baz did poison them. And then he at least he would be done with this conversation. “Everyone expects us to...I mean, what would the Mage say?”

“Who cares what the Mage says?” Penny snorts. “Honestly, Simon, what kind of mentor would care who you date as long as you _ do _eventually defeat the humdrum. And who cares if it’s Baz?”

“He’s evil.”

“We both know you wouldn’t be doing this if you really thought that.”

He sighs. 

“So what if it’s not a relationship, then what are the rules of this thing?” She asks. 

“There are no rules.”

“No rules doesn’t sound very safe,” Penny says. 

“This isn’t about being safe,” Simon snaps. “Nothing about this is safe, Penny. Nothing safe is worth it.” 

“You should be careful with your heart, Simon.”

“If I’m careful with my heart then I’ll never feel anything,” He almost shouts. Baz raises an eyebrow at him from across the dining hall. And Simon shrinks back into his seat. “You weren’t going to lecture me,” He reminds her quietly. 

“I’m not trying to lecture you,” She insists. “I’m trying to protect you. Don’t listen to me. You’re right. Where do you want this to go?”

He has no idea where he’s even supposed to start with that.

* * *

Simon drags Baz back to the lake late at night four days before the summer ends.

“I have an exam tomorrow,” Baz complains half-heartedly.

“You’ll pass.”

Baz rolls his eyes, “Of course I will, it’s not about passing, it’s about beating Bunce.”

Simon doesn’t respond to that. It’s not worth the bickering. He takes Baz’s hand and pulls him to the edge of the water. Then he pulls his shirt off. 

He goes for Baz’s, but Baz swats at his hand.

“It’s freezing in there,” He snaps. 

“Come on.”

He doesn’t go for Baz’s shirt again, but he leaves his trousers and pants, and goes into the water by himself and hopes Baz will follow. 

Baz was right it is freezing. 

But he was wrong to complain about it. There’s nothing like cold water to shock you out of your head. Simon hasn’t felt this clear in months. Maybe years. He takes a deep breath in and a deep breath out and feels completely worry free.

He hears Baz sigh, and then the sound of water splashing around him. 

He feels Baz’s arms around his waist. He leans into Baz’s chest. 

They don’t say anything. Just listen to the world.

* * *

He doesn’t trust Baz behind the wheel, but that doesn’t stop him from climbing in right behind him at 3 am on a Tuesday. 

Even though Baz is definitely a reckless driver, Simon feels completely at peace sitting beside him in the passenger seat. Even as Baz speeds and makes sharp turns, he just goes with it. 

Maybe he just likes being beside Baz in any context at all. 

“Where are we going?” 

They’ve been driving for half an hour, and he has no idea where there headed. Not just geographically. 

“Nowhere,” He chuckles. 

Simon’s sure Baz has the most alluring chuckle in the world: dark and sultry and just the slightest bit sweet. 

“How’s the research going?” Baz asks like he actually wants to know.

He decides to be honest, for once. 

“Shit,” He says. 

“What’s the problem, Snow?”

“You, always you.” 

“Me?” He says incredulously. He doesn’t think he’s ever truly baffled Baz before. Baz is always a step ahead of him. It’s one of the things that’s kept him up at night: knowing he’ll never pull one over on Baz. That if there is a last fight Baz will win.

“I can’t focus on anything else,” He says. “More than normal. Normally, I just can’t focus. Now I’m just focused on you.” 

“Can I help?” 

“I don’t know how.”

“I’m good at researching,” He glances away from the steering wheel briefly to look at Simon. 

Simon wonders if his vampiric night vision makes the bags under his eyes even more visible. Wonders if Baz has similar bags that he just can’t see. He finds it hard to believe. Baz always looks perfect. 

“If you were there, we wouldn’t get any research done,” Simon laughs. He rests a hand on Baz’s thigh because he can’t grab his hand right now. 

Baz rolls his eyes. “Some of us have self control,” He taunts. 

Simon doesn’t give in. 

He caresses Baz’s cheek, and Baz leans in and closes his eyes, for a second forgetting the road. 

“Self control, huh?” 

It occurs to him, in the dark, in the silence, that he might have fallen in love with Baz. 

He doesn’t know when it happened. 

He doesn’t know how it happened. 

How he allowed it to happen.

But somewhere in the pit of his stomach he feels something real and devastating. Something that shouldn’t be there. Something that shouldn’t be allowed to grow, but persists despite. 

He didn’t want this. _ Doesn’t want this. _

He wonders if Baz knows. 

He can’t tell him.

It would ruin everything. 

So he buries it. He decides he’s not thinking about it. It’s not there.

* * *

Penelope finds him crying underneath a tree the day Baz finally leaves the summer behind. She’s meant to be leaving in a few hours.

He hadn’t said anything. He just kissed his favorite mole one last time. And gave Simon this devastating smile. And then it was over. 

Just like that. 

Imagine something so big inside of Simon to be over just like that. 

With a neat little bow. 

Like it didn’t mean anything. 

Like Baz just gets to board up the windows of this and never revisit it. He’s just left Simon peering through cracks in the boards. 

“I think I’m in love with him,” He sobs into Penny’s shoulder. 

“Oh, Simon,” She says. 

Simon hadn’t wanted a relationship. 

He hated being in a relationship. He was always misstepping. Always failing. Always feeling guilty for falling short. 

And maybe he did love Agatha. Maybe he didn’t.

It didn’t matter. He’d loved the idea of her. The idea of a safe future. The idea of a white picket fence and bunch of blonde haired, blue eyed children with way too many moles. 

He didn’t want to date Baz.

_ He didn’t. He didn’t. He didn’t. _

He didn’t at the beginning at least. 

_ He didn’t. He didn’t. He didn’t. _

Maybe if you say something enough times it becomes true. Maybe you can force fate. Maybe you can rein in your feelings. Maybe you can have some control in your prophesized, tragic, chaotic life.

But apparently he can’t even decide that. Because he wants Baz in every sense. He wants to be the one he comes home to. He wants to be the one Baz throws up against the wall. He wants to be the one Baz wants.

And it’s all on him.

He knew it would end badly. 

_ He knew. He knew. He knew. _

He knew and he did nothing.

So this is on him. 

“I didn’t want to fall in love with him,” He tells her. 

She leans her head on top of Simon’s. She’s still standing up. “Si, you can’t control things like that. Sometimes people just sneak up on you.”

* * *

He waits and waits and waits for Baz to come back. 

It’s only a week. 

But by the time it’s nearly over he’s come up with a million things he can say to Baz when he walks in. 

In some of them, he doesn’t say anything. He just decides it’s over, and it’s not worth talking about anymore. And he lets it settle. He just forgets and moves on, and he doesn’t cry himself to sleep ever. 

In some scenarios, he ends it immediately and officially. He doesn’t cry or croak during it. He doesn’t mention the phrase, “In a different world, maybe...”. Sometimes, Baz breaks down into tears, and he immediately fixes it. 

Only a couple scenarios have him admitting his feelings. And in every one of them Baz rejects him.

But for all his planning, when Baz walks through the door he freezes. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“Is something wrong, Snow?” Baz asks coolly. He wishes he could read him better. Wishes he knew what he was thinking. What his motivations were. 

He still doesn’t say anything. 

Baz just rolls his eyes and turns away. 

They don’t say anything to each other in their room. They don’t say anything to each other at dinner. They don’t say anything during the evening. They don’t say anything as they go to bed in separate beds in the same room for the first time in months. 

Simon has never really believed that saying about silence being deafening. 

But this quiet is sitting on his chest and choking him. There are so many things he wants to say, but he can’t bring himself to say them. He can’t give Baz yet another opportunity to land a fatal blow. 

It’s 2am when he finally looks over at Baz, he’s been avoiding it all night because the sight of Baz really does something to him. Baz is really beautiful in the moonlight. 

He’s completely in love with him. So completely in love with him. Stupidly in love with him. Desperately in love with him. 

He can’t explain the feeling in his throat when he looks over at Baz and Baz’s is staring right back.

“Are you okay, Snow,” Baz asks like he’s out of his mind. Like Simon has lost his last remaining marble. 

Simon guesses that they’re never this obvious. 

But he’s literally seen Baz naked, what’s the point in being subtle?

“I’m fine.”

Baz rolls his eyes again and pulls out his flask of something.

“I need a drink to deal with you,” Baz grumbles. “You’re so persistently annoying and baffling.”

“Fuck off,” He snaps, but he holds out his hand demaning the alcohol. 

They drink back and forth for a while. Still not talking. 

Simon’s drank more than his fair share, and eventually he’s finished the flask. Baz stands up and pulls the flask out of his hand, and then walks away. 

“Baz!” He yelps. 

“I’m just going to clean this out in the sink,” Baz rolls his eyes. He’s much better at handling alcohol than he was at fifteen. Simon’s still shit. He blames it on lack of experience. 

When he comes back, Simon can’t handle the idea of being separate from him. He can’t handle the idea of being in separate beds. Can’t handle the idea of Baz ignoring him. Of going back to the way things were. 

He starts bawling his eyes out. 

He gasps when he feels Baz’s hand on the side of his head. Feels the gentle pressure of his fingers in his curls. 

“What’s wrong, Snow?” He asks again. 

And finally Simon’s done. 

“I’m so sorry about all of this,” He says. “I’m sorry I started this. I’m sorry I said I didn’t want a relationship. That I said I didn’t want you. I’m sorry I got in too deep. And it’s terrible. It’s fucking terrible without you. But I love you. I know you don’t want that. I know. And I love you anyway. Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”

Baz pulls him closer. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m in love with you,” He says again. 

Baz looks up grinning like a devil.

It’s feral. It’s sinful. It’s spectacular. 

It’s Baz Pitch.

He’s never seen Baz look like this. He’s seen smirks, frowns, and sneers, but he’s never seen something as bright as this. 

Baz kisses him hard.

Before Simon can deepen it, Baz pulls back grinning again. 

“You’re a fucking mess,” He grins. 

“And you like that?”  
“I love it,” He says. He presses a kiss to a mole on Simon’s cheek. “I love you. We match.”

* * *

“What the fuck is happening?” Dev mutters mostly to himself as he sits down at their regular table. 

Bunce is sitting in his regular seat. Snow is sitting next to Baz. 

He sits down next to Bunce anyway. 

Agatha Wellbelove is staring at them across the room. 

“Are you like friends now?” Niall asks Baz incredulously. 

Baz rolls his eyes. 

“Something like that.”


End file.
